The Stray Cat Strut

Hollywood, CA - Well, I was almost arrested again today. It just goes to say that can’t get away with everything in LA. You can do a lot of weird crap but you can’t walk into Target dressed like Sylvester from Looney Tunes. Fortunately for this stray cat, Target declined to press charges.

The cops were about to fall down laughing as they handcuffed my plush-paws behind my back. This wasn’t the first time that I have made the police laugh. My latest prank is reminiscent of the time I bought Phantom Menace tickets dressed only in a Darth Vader Mask holding an erect lightsaber. I was only issued a citation on that I occasion and I have remained a local legend in Lawrence, Kansas to this day. They don’t call me the infamous blogger, Blue Skelton for nothing.

Just remember this: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

I also have a long list of street credit in Hollywood for my career of silly stunts. These stunts are a tale for a different night. Regarding my latest stunt, I should probably start at the beginning.

Last week, I couldn’t sleep a wink. I had a bug up my ass to create some mischief. As I was lying in bed, I thought about the time the Jackass crew skated around Tokyo in Panda costumes. Then I thought about my Sylvester the Cat outfit.

I had a short-lived career as a carnie standing out front of Mann’s Chinese Theater. My career ended prematurely after I told a young child that Tweety got ran over by a car. The management requested that I never return.

That was the end of drunken Sylvester until I found myself walking through the Target parking garage dressed in my Sylvester outfit. I wish I had surveillance video of me walking through the garage. It was just like when Edward Norton fought himself in the movie, Fight Club. I looked totally ridiculous.

The guy who brings in the stray carts was the first employee to see me. He’s mildly autistic or something but he’s really friendly, a top-notch guy. I went to school with his brother.

“Hi Sylvester,” He said.

I gave him a giant wave and he smiled as he hurriedly headed for more carts.

I was sure I’d run into trouble at the door but the security guard let me pass with passing curiosity. If I tried a stunt like this in Kansas, it would have been a whole different story. But freaky stuff happens all the time in Los Angeles and I’m sure the security guard has seen a lot worse.

Kids screamed with joy when they saw me strolling through the store. Their parents looked at me with concerned amusement. They thought that I was a promotion for the store. I was happy to correct that misconception.

Once again, I was faced with the Tweety question.

“Where’s Tweety,” a little red-headed girl asked.

I rubbed my tummy and smiled. I thought it was a clever response but the girl burst into tears and ran into the arms of her mother. The poor little girl got her education that day. Cats eat birds every day of the week. Still, that was probably what prompted Target to call the police.

As I left the screaming child behind me, I headed as quickly as I could to the Pet Section of the store. I picked up a box of kitty litter and headed for the door. I have never received so many strange looks in my life. And I’ve lived a lifetime of strange looks.

“All he needs is some toilet paper,”

Even I had to laugh at that one and I nearly broke character as I arrived at the checkout stand. The checker had a panicked look in her eyes as I set the kitty litter down at the register. She nearly had a heart attack as I reached into my pocket, but she looked relieved when I pulled out a ten-dollar bill.

I paid the bill and headed to the door without incident. I really thought that I was going to make it out of there without any repercussions, but it wasn’t meant to be. It was very hard to see out of the costume so I missed the police officer standing to the left of the door as I walked out of the department store. Thank God, I couldn’t see that they had their guns drawn or I might have really needed the kitty litter.

Then I felt like I got hit by a ton of bricks. A pair of cops gang-tackled me to the ground. Here’s a word of advice. LA Cops are some of the nicest police officers in the world. But don’t piss them off. I promise you that they don’t fuck around.

Apparently someone had phoned in a robbery at the Target. I didn’t have time to worry about such things because a police officer had his knee shoved between my shoulder blades and was pulling my paws into handcuffs.

Everything worked out when they found out that I was just a customer and that I hadn’t done anything malfeasant inside the store. They wanted to charge me conspiracy for murder but after ascertaining Tweety’s whereabouts, they realized that it was all just fun and games.

That was when the laughter started. By now a crowd of customers, cops and Target management were watching the scene. I guess the image of me with my paws behind my back grinning in agonizing pain was too much for them.

I haven’t heard so much laughter since my pants fell down at LAX during a security check.

The cops asked the management of Target if they wanted to file trespassing charges but they were laughing too hard to worry about it. The cops decided that disturbing the peace wasn’t worth the paperwork so they unhooked me.

They tried to issue me a stern warning but they just couldn’t keep a straight face long enough for me to take them seriously.

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